September 15, 2005
today we talk about my ass

the day has come to discuss my ass. at length. in full. without reservation.

although my ass *is* now taking reservations for parties of six or more.

i have no idea what i just said. sometimes my mouth just goes and goes and i wonder if it will ever come back.

so warning: this post contains the word "ass."

anyway. the thing about my ass is that it's not great. hard to believe, i know, but i assure you, the boobs are better. i'm ordering a t-shirt that says so. the booty isn't bad, really, it's just a little smaller, a little less bubbly than it used to be. there will never be a mass-marketing campaign for faux-kendra butt (a la the vivid girls). and though i tend to think it looks better naked, which i may or may not photographically prove for your benefit at some point in the near future (all signs point to yes!), really it's nothing to write home about.

which leads me to the issue at hand. men look at asses. it's. what. they. do. i'm okay with that, i accept it. sometimes i even give it a little extra shake when i know they're looking (and by "they" i clearly mean Boy and only Boy.)

that said, there is something to be said for subtlety. you know, that thing where maybe you pretend you're not explicitly staring, even though i totally know you are, just so that the world can keep on spinning in peace and perfect ass-related harmony.

where i live, Here, there are many drooly bug eyed creeps who exercise their god-given eyes on my behind. it could give a less seasoned ass stage fright.

on my street alone there is a gang of old men. at any given time at least one of them is guaranteed to be wearing a sweat stained beater and smoking foul cigars. these men like to jibber jabber outside my windows and play chess and stare at me as i walk by. all the time. every time. until i yell at them, which makes me feel bad, because only bitches and old ladies yell at old men.

so i have drawn up blueprints for a new invention, tentatively titled "haha perverts, i told you to stop looking, now you'll have to wear eye patches and that's not really a look that works for many people." or something like that. it features a high powered laser beam triggered by unwanted stares that burns the offender's eyes out.

and kills then them dead.

voila! the side view!

i will be taking orders as soon as i figure out how to you know, make lasers.

in a convenient ass-compatible size.

(ass ass ass!!!!)


Blogger JenL said...

You are a genius. After you learn how to make the lasers, get the patent, and make millions, might you make one to punish all the blatant, obnoxious boob starers and the ones that make comments?

Blogger Dirtytaint said...

I'm making a cock-laser... it's a two way street baby.

Blogger Dirtytaint said...

I add an amendment...

I was purely poking fun. There is no comparison to Guys checking out girls vs. girls checking out guys.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

dirtytaint, I'm sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news but women don't look at cocks. We don't like to. They are weird. The only folks you'll be harming are the poor defenseless gay boys. Now...if you make a wallet laser that's a different story all together.

Blogger Dirtytaint said...

what do lesbians check out?

haha! I live in LA, i could corner the market with a wallet laser.

Blogger ~drew emborsky~ said...

The irony is that men like it when the ladies look at us...

Blogger Grend31 said...

Can this device be modified for a helmet mounting? To shoot the eye out of a coworker who drops by and asks stupid questions? If it can, I'd like one with a laser strong enough to decorate the cube across from me with their brain matter please.

Not that I'm bitter today or anything.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i never said i don't like it! sometimes getting checked out by strangers (and by strangers i again mean only Boy) is the high point of my day.

but sometimes those strangers are dirty and creepy and old enough to be my grandfather.

and other times those strangers have been told already to cut. it. out.

and that kind of disregard for classic canadian catchphrases simply *demands* a laser.

Blogger Beeb said...

i always wanted to invent an asshole gun. It's the perfect addition to your on-road vehicles. That way when that asshole cuts you off you can shoot them with it.... and here's the best part.

They feel like a total asshole for cutting you off.

See? We are meant to go into business together.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

In my 'hood the culprits are usually drunk old retired (i.e., laid off) longshoremen/brewery workers hanging out at the bus stop at 8:30 in the morning. The effect is still the same. Can you ship lasers across the border to Canada? Are they considered part of the free trade agreement, like softwood lumber is supposed to be?

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