although my ass *is* now taking reservations for parties of six or more.
i have no idea what i just said. sometimes my mouth just goes and goes and i wonder if it will ever come back.
so warning: this post contains the word "ass."
anyway. the thing about my ass is that it's not great. hard to believe, i know, but i assure you, the boobs are better. i'm ordering a t-shirt that says so. the booty isn't bad, really, it's just a little smaller, a little less bubbly than it used to be. there will never be a mass-marketing campaign for faux-kendra butt (a la the vivid girls). and though i tend to think it looks better naked, which i may or may not photographically prove for your benefit at some point in the near future (all signs point to yes!), really it's nothing to write home about.
which leads me to the issue at hand. men look at asses. it's. what. they. do. i'm okay with that, i accept it. sometimes i even give it a little extra shake when i know they're looking (and by "they" i clearly mean Boy and only Boy.)
that said, there is something to be said for subtlety. you know, that thing where maybe you pretend you're not explicitly staring, even though i totally know you are, just so that the world can keep on spinning in peace and perfect ass-related harmony.
where i live, Here, there are many drooly bug eyed creeps who exercise their god-given eyes on my behind. it could give a less seasoned ass stage fright.
on my street alone there is a gang of old men. at any given time at least one of them is guaranteed to be wearing a sweat stained beater and smoking foul cigars. these men like to jibber jabber outside my windows and play chess and stare at me as i walk by. all the time. every time. until i yell at them, which makes me feel bad, because only bitches and old ladies yell at old men.
so i have drawn up blueprints for a new invention, tentatively titled "haha perverts, i told you to stop looking, now you'll have to wear eye patches and that's not really a look that works for many people." or something like that. it features a high powered laser beam triggered by unwanted stares that burns the offender's eyes out.
and kills then them dead.
i will be taking orders as soon as i figure out how to you know, make lasers.
in a convenient ass-compatible size.
(ass ass ass!!!!)