September 07, 2005
she's not crass, she's my brother

well that title didn't work out quite as well as i had hoped. oh well. being a good brother, i'm sure she'll forgive me. she being crass personality. who did a meme thingie called 7x7, and requested that i do the same. she specifically asked me. ergo (ergo!) i am special. woot!

unfortunately, i am widely known for my inability to answer a question briefly. it is my nature to explain. because i need to make you understand. it might also be because i am both jewish and neurotic, and also a little bit loud.
exhibit a: last night at the tattoo shop Miyagi and Boy were discussing a certain celebrity's appearance, as boys are known to do. and i was listening in, as i am known to do. the verdict was that she was maybe a little funny looking, but certainly "fuckable." which left me no choice but to interject very loudly and publicly,

"i'm pretty sure anything with a pussy is fuckable."

i. had. no. choice.

this really had nothing to do with the meme thingie other than to demonstrate how i often say inappropriate things so that people in kansas can hear me. and that i really do have a sailor mouth. which i'm trying to establish early on here so when the meme goes wildly out of control, you cannot say you weren't warned.
so. *ahem.*

seven things i want to do before i die

1) have a nude portrait done. drawn, painted or photographed. this probably boils down to me wanting to be comfortable and proud of my body, but spectators kind of make that stuff more fun. besides, then i have witnesses and proof! and i can post it on my blog!

2) learn to ride a bicycle. it’s true. i don’t know how. i think it would come in handy Here, and also then I could rub it in Boy’s face. sucka!

3) go to japan.

4) publish a book that people will read. fiction, memoir, poetry? i have no idea. at this point i’m thinking i may have to start writing textbooks for dental hygenists. it’s my only hope.

5) get married. this is the one i’m most uncomfortable writing here. but it’s also one of the most important to me. for those of you who know me personally, you know i have a questionable background. for those of you who don’t, well, we’ll go over that eventually. either way, it’s incredibly important to me to find people that i love, and that love me back, and then keep them. forever. in tiny bite size packages.)

6) have a song or poem written about me. this is pretty selfish, i think. I should say “cure cancer” or something, but whatever. it’s my meme and i want flattery, dammit!

7) live some more.


seven things i can do

1) eat a whole box of animal crackers and still want more. send more.

2) make people laugh in just about any situation. tactics sometimes include use of the word “boobs.” use of actual boobs only in dire circumstances.

3) organize the hell out of ANYTHING. fo’ real.

4) be brutally honest without being too brutal.

5) tap dance.

6) sing the soundtracks to “the little mermaid,” “aladdin,” and “newsies.”

7) parallel park. i may not be a great driver (shut it, Boy), but i can park up a storm.


seven things i cannot do

1) speak quietly DID YOU HEAR THAT KANSAS? I SAID, SPEAK QUIETLY.

2) eat an omelet.

3) go more than 24 hours without ingesting caffiene.

4) stay mad. although i really, really, try.

5) sleep if i am aware of a spider in my home.

6) fly.

7) that’s it. i can do everything else. *yes i can.*


seven things that attract me to the opposite sex

1) good personal hygiene is very important. but apparently, sometimes too much to ask.

2) red hair. i’m a sucker for it.

3) laughs at my jokes. not at me.

4) can teach me something about something. need more input! input input input!*

5) doesn’t take crap from nobody.

6) tall.

7) i like men. not boys, not pretty men. manly men. lumberjacks.


seven things i say most often

1) clearly but clearly that’s only because I am trying to get you people to see what i am talking about.

2) you don’t even like me. Boy, atleast I’m honest.

3) i know.

4) i have to pee.

5) africa hot.

6) wanna make out?

7) pickles! stop peeing!


seven celebrity crushes**
1) clive owen. humminah humminah humminah! but it’s ok. Boy likes him too. because he’s manly, and doesn’t take no crap from nobody, and in one movie was a lumberjack and in another called julia roberts a slag. he’s dreamie.

2) brad pitt, but only circa fight club/snatch. you know. when he was all cut and mean and not a dirty rotten adulterer.

3) dave grohl. *swoon*

4) adam sandler. a nice jewish boy.

5) heather b. armstrong. my hero.

6) oprah noodlemantra. because though he is far prettier than i, and completely un-lumberjacky, you cannot deny the power. it’s just too strong.

7) pat morita. all i can say is that this is not a romantic crush. beyond that, i cannot explain my love.



*gold star if you know what the hell i’m talking about here.

**this is hard!



18 Comments:

Blogger Grend31 said...

*smugly gives himself a gold star*

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

So.

I get kinda weirded out when people comment on my blog "ohmygosh, we're like the same person!" but somehow, that's what I want to say to about 70% of your posts.

I'm your creepy fan.
We all have to have one, I guess. You could do worse.
I'm far too lazy to actually stalk you, and even if I did kidnap you and force you to be my lesbian sex slave, I have a hot ass, so really, it's not so bad.




You're freaked now, aren't you?
I would be, and we're a lot alike.

Yeah. You're freaked.

I could have avoided all this trouble by simply saying what normal person would have said, "Gee, we have a lot in comman" and not using phrases like 'lesbian sex slave.'

Is it too late to start over?

Gee, Kendra, we have a lot in comman.






It was already too late, wasn't it?

Blogger miss kendra said...

it's never too late!

and if you ever get unlazy, well, i promise to put up a believable fight. but you'll still win.

because really, how often do you get the chance to be someone's sex slave?

do i have time to add that to my list?

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Oh, I get offers to be people's sex slaves all the time.

What do you think my 'fan mail' consists of?

"My wife and I are looking for a subserviant girl........"

You never get those?






No?




Now I'm freaked.

Blogger Tel said...

Kendra is my celebrity crush.

Wanna make out?

Blogger miss kendra said...

YES I DO!

i love to make out!

woot!

Blogger tara said...

ooo, I can sing all those songs too, but I didn't have the balls to admit it until just now. Thank you for freeing me!

Blogger Beeb said...

hey

hey

hands off the wife.

Blogger Grend31 said...

To the powers that be,

*ahem*

As a happily married man, I must protest. All of lesbian-trysty-slavish-innuendo simply must be laid to rest.

*shifts uncomfortably*

Unless, of course, it's going to be videotaped and accidently mailed to my home address.

Yours most sincerely,
-Grend31

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

re: your first asterisk- Was that a Short Circuit joke? Because it doubles as a pretty funny sex joke too. Observe: "seven things that attract me to the opposite sex"

4) input input input input!

Ha ha ha!

Blogger Moe said...

"i often say inappropriate things so that people in kansas can hear me"

You made me laugh mid-throat-clearing and I choked on my own spit. I often (ha, ALWAYS) do the same thing. Yup, in addition to valancyjane and tel, you can add me to the stalkerlist. I'm not so much into the lesbian sex slave scene though. I *need* to be the only neurotic girl needing constant adoration in a relationship.

Cripes you're funny.

Blogger Libby said...

I cannot believe there is another person on the planet who has even HEARD of Newsies! I'm the king of New York! Well, maybe not king, but you get the point.

MORE INPUT! Beautiful, butterfly! Number 5 is ALIVE!

Anyway, I'm going to go crawl back in my lurker hidey hole now that I've embarassed myself...

Blogger Tara said...

There was a spider on the skylight above my bed last night.....I had to go sleep in my daughter's room. I talked myself out of sleeping in the mini-van.

Blogger Quirkalot said...

I've got a gold star, but something is looming in my mind (looming is a fabulous word isn't it?)... Did we ever make out? I remember something about Front Street...we were on the floor... maybe it wasn't you. You know I have memory issues.
Like, you're totally freaked out.. I mean, you're running for the door...you can leave if you want to. Gold star for you if you can figure that one!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

nope. wasn't me.

i know your dreams are shattered now.

sorry.

-kendra

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

I hear there are a lot of lesbians in Kansas. *shrug*
Okay, not really. However, if I were a lesbian, or a sex slave, or a member of the band Kansas, I would totally come running when I heard ya screaming.

I think I'm now officially in love with both you AND ValancyJane. What a bunch of funny mofos.

Blogger crasspersonality said...

Woot woot.

Anonymous Neil said...

You want to learn to ride a bicycle? I helped someone by getting them an adult tricyle. They actually make them, like for kids. Or you can rent one at Hermosa Beach. they don't look too silly. And then you can move on to the regular bicycle when you get the hang of it. Just trying to help you achieve that dream! Dream on!

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