unfortunately, i am widely known for my inability to answer a question briefly. it is my nature to explain. because i need to make you understand. it might also be because i am both jewish and neurotic, and also a little bit loud.
exhibit a: last night at the tattoo shop Miyagi and Boy were discussing a certain celebrity's appearance, as boys are known to do. and i was listening in, as i am known to do. the verdict was that she was maybe a little funny looking, but certainly "fuckable." which left me no choice but to interject very loudly and publicly,so. *ahem.*
"i'm pretty sure anything with a pussy is fuckable."
i. had. no. choice.
this really had nothing to do with the meme thingie other than to demonstrate how i often say inappropriate things so that people in kansas can hear me. and that i really do have a sailor mouth. which i'm trying to establish early on here so when the meme goes wildly out of control, you cannot say you weren't warned.
seven things i want to do before i die
1) have a nude portrait done. drawn, painted or photographed. this probably boils down to me wanting to be comfortable and proud of my body, but spectators kind of make that stuff more fun. besides, then i have witnesses and proof! and i can post it on my blog!
2) learn to ride a bicycle. it’s true. i don’t know how. i think it would come in handy Here, and also then I could rub it in Boy’s face. sucka!
3) go to japan.
4) publish a book that people will read. fiction, memoir, poetry? i have no idea. at this point i’m thinking i may have to start writing textbooks for dental hygenists. it’s my only hope.
5) get married. this is the one i’m most uncomfortable writing here. but it’s also one of the most important to me. for those of you who know me personally, you know i have a questionable background. for those of you who don’t, well, we’ll go over that eventually. either way, it’s incredibly important to me to find people that i love, and that love me back, and then keep them. forever. in tiny bite size packages.)
6) have a song or poem written about me. this is pretty selfish, i think. I should say “cure cancer” or something, but whatever. it’s my meme and i want flattery, dammit!
7) live some more.
seven things i can do
1) eat a whole box of animal crackers and still want more. send more.
2) make people laugh in just about any situation. tactics sometimes include use of the word “boobs.” use of actual boobs only in dire circumstances.
3) organize the hell out of ANYTHING. fo’ real.
4) be brutally honest without being too brutal.
5) tap dance.
6) sing the soundtracks to “the little mermaid,” “aladdin,” and “newsies.”
7) parallel park. i may not be a great driver (shut it, Boy), but i can park up a storm.
seven things i cannot do
1) speak quietly DID YOU HEAR THAT KANSAS? I SAID, SPEAK QUIETLY.
2) eat an omelet.
3) go more than 24 hours without ingesting caffiene.
4) stay mad. although i really, really, try.
5) sleep if i am aware of a spider in my home.
7) that’s it. i can do everything else. *yes i can.*
seven things that attract me to the opposite sex
1) good personal hygiene is very important. but apparently, sometimes too much to ask.
2) red hair. i’m a sucker for it.
3) laughs at my jokes. not at me.
4) can teach me something about something. need more input! input input input!*
5) doesn’t take crap from nobody.
7) i like men. not boys, not pretty men. manly men. lumberjacks.
seven things i say most often
1) clearly but clearly that’s only because I am trying to get you people to see what i am talking about.
2) you don’t even like me. Boy, atleast I’m honest.
3) i know.
4) i have to pee.
5) africa hot.
6) wanna make out?
7) pickles! stop peeing!
seven celebrity crushes**
1) clive owen. humminah humminah humminah! but it’s ok. Boy likes him too. because he’s manly, and doesn’t take no crap from nobody, and in one movie was a lumberjack and in another called julia roberts a slag. he’s dreamie.
2) brad pitt, but only circa fight club/snatch. you know. when he was all cut and mean and not a dirty rotten adulterer.
3) dave grohl. *swoon*
4) adam sandler. a nice jewish boy.
5) heather b. armstrong. my hero.
6) oprah noodlemantra. because though he is far prettier than i, and completely un-lumberjacky, you cannot deny the power. it’s just too strong.
7) pat morita. all i can say is that this is not a romantic crush. beyond that, i cannot explain my love.
*gold star if you know what the hell i’m talking about here.
**this is hard!