September 28, 2005
happy happy joy joy

ha.

ha.

ha.

my laughter hides my pain.

so last night, after another wonderful and rewarding and not at all stressful day at work, the new landlord dropped off our new keys and we intended to take some stuff to our new place. we stuffed my car full of goodies, like here, and set off for what was sure to be smooth sailing.

ha.

ha.

ha.

i keep having to remind myself i live in los angeles because 35 minutes to go six miles seems outlandish to me. clearly i'm crazy. but then i remember it's part of why i'm moving closer to work. when we pull up to the building and get out of the car Boy looks at the tree beside us and points out that it covered in bugs. most noticeably, a black widow spider.

ha.

ha.

ha.

we go inside with a few items so that we can open all the doors and some windows, let some air in and prepare to unload the massive amounts of junk in my car. much to our dismay, the apartment does not appear to have been cleaned for our arrival. the floors are unswept, the counters covered in dust, the sinks are filthy. i was tempted to write a message in the 35 inches of dust that coated the back of the toilet. please note how i even made it look like i dragged my finger through a layer of dust, because people, it's this simple. i need encouragement.

and then before i could stop myself, for some unknown reason, i opened the fridge.

and there was food inside. most interestingly, a jar of mayonnaise. which i am allergic to, and so while i appreciate someone leaving us this gift, it is of no use to me.

since there was nothing i could use in the fridge, i figured we'd give the freezer a try. inside the freezer we found baking soda dated 8/2003, grey ice cubes, and about 25 dead ants.

ha.

ha.

ha.

so where did i leave that mayonnaise? because anaphylaxis sounds GREAT right about now.

and then the other ants, the ones that are still alive, start crawling in and out of the squishy liner part that cushions the door of the freezer from slamming... which just added to the tragedy because slamming doors seemed a good course of action. better than sitting down on the floor and crying, though not as good as going home (to the apartment we were leaving because of the ants) and getting drunk. on rum. which wasn't even on the ballot, but worked nicely.

the good news is that now we know who else voted for continuing spirit-crushing monotony, because clearly the ants are reading my fucking blog. i bet the second they read i was moving they started heading on over. seeing as there is one half-day of shopping left till we wish me a happy birthday (unless "we" are dr. mack'n, who already wished me one because she is awesome), may i suggest an anteater? i will begin making him this sweater immediately.



i went to bed and hoped silently that i would wake up to somthing at least marginally more pleasant.

this morning my whole neighborhood (including the interior of my apartment) smelled like burnt skunk.

when i left for work and turned on to the next street i found him. he looked sort of like this



but a little more dead, with his guts oozing out one side and tire marks coming out the other.

maybe i should have hoped outloud.



10 Comments:

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

Oh my.
Previous to the current house we live in, the most exciting "Welcome to your new home with your sore ass and your dirty feet" gift I ever found was a green scrubbie left in the freezer...which would have been nice if it had actually been used to clean the freezer before we moved in. I think it just smelled really bad and they stuck it in there to seal the stench.
Upon moving into the new place, one closet was still full of men's shoes and there were onion peels in every kitchen drawer. I have no idea what kind of sadistic sons of bitches eat that many onions, but I'm terrified that they know where we live.

Blogger robiewankenobie said...

doesn't that just suck ass. except for the rum part. the rum part i like.

Blogger d2ana said...

maybe if you brought the spider inside, he'd eat the ants?

Blogger Quirkalot said...

Don't buy a camera. There's one on its way. Happy Birthday! (albeit a belated one)

Blogger xt said...

Happy birthday, baby girl!!

Everybody knows ALL the best people were born on the 29th of the month.

http://bipolarroadtrip.blogspot.com/2005/09/happy-birthday-chiquita-fabulosa.html

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Um, drink more, buy some any poison, and then drink more? Happy birthday?

Blogger Bonanza JellyBean said...

Happy 25th! I would totally give you what I give only my very best friends for their birthday...which is strippers, alcohol, and ass. But you are on the wrong coast, so I can't really do that.

Blogger Quirkalot said...

I meant early...crap!

Blogger Beeb said...

and I thought Bowditch was bad....

I'm catching up on my reading because my net has been down for a few days...sorry!!!!


HAPPY B-DAY!!! Was Santa good to you?

Blogger Libby said...

Oh my god, I am so sorry...but not really because you made me laugh so hard that my boss came down the hall and thought I was choking on something...

I feel your ant pain. I had them infesting my son's room and couldn't figure out where they were coming from...

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