August 05, 2005
twenty one things

1. this morning i saw a man peel a squashed animal from the middle of the street at the corner of hollywood and vine. he put it in his backpack. i only found this mildly odd. i find that somewhat more disturbing.

2. when i was a little kid my favorite color was purple and i convinced my father to paint my room 8346759 different shades of it while my mom was at the laundromat.

3. i now hate purple.

4. i cannot ride a bike. ok maybe i can "ride" it, but certainly not without bloodshed. and ambulances. and the striking of the fear into hearts of men.

5. i used to want to be a ballerina, a florist, a broadway star (bernadette peters, to be exact), a judge, a country singer, a pr agent, a doctor, and wedding planner. that was before i realized i am Incredibly Lazy.

6. i still want to be a wedding/event planner. i'm really good at that kind of thing. but still, with the Lazy.

7. i love pickles. i require constant pickle stimulation. *pulls mind out of gutter*
open letter to the people at subway:

when i say extra pickles, i mean extra. your idea of extra pickles is the Bare Minimum. consider this your final warning. if my pickle requirements are not met i will be forced to retaliate.

yours,
general kendra, of the pickle-nese liberation army

8. i do not like bread and butter pickles. sour and half-sour are acceptable. dill is the bestestestestestest. times infinity.

9. i used to work in a deli AND i am jewish, so you cannot fool me with your inferior pickles. don't even try it. i'm watching you.

10. wheats and ryes and pumpernickel....
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

11. i imitate jungle monkeys with frightening accuracy.

12. sometimes when i look at people i see what they must have been like as a child. that's often my favorite thing about a person. but some of you were ugly. some of you still are. *ooooooooooooooh*

13. i used to smoke unfiltered cigarettes. in high school. i quit when i met Boy.

14. i had a four foot stuffed penguin in a top hat that i slept on most of the year that i was seven. because he was more comfortable than my bed.

15. everyone has a story about walking in on their parents, but i have many. i was there for the conception of my sister (as well as her subsequent birth. and may i say yuck.) so i learned my lesson about actually walking in, but um, my parents? they're still "in love". and i'm still trying not to hear things. could this be a factor in why i moved Here? well, let's just say down the hall wasn't far enough. voices carry, you know.

16. i pee alot. alot. like right before we go into the movie theater, and right after we leave. and sometimes in the middle. lord of the rings? not bladder friendly.

17. i am addicted to granny smith apple rings from trader joes. i buy several bags a week. a minimum of three, because i cannot survive with out two in my house, (one plus a spare in case i am forced to share *shudder*) and one in my desk at work... that's almost 10% of my grocery budget for the week. i fear i will soon be living under an l.a. times with my crazy dog and my ziploc baggies of dried fruit.

18. i do not like wine. i have liked wine on two occasions, one of which began with a bottle of champagne, plateaued (sp?) with a bottle or so of fume blanc, and ended when i passed out in someone's backyard with a lobsterpot full of mashed potatos in my lap (long story). the other wine incident involved two and a half bottles of pinot, some hooker shoes and a strip tease. note to self: throwing up is not a grand finale. well, atleast i tried. i realize i'm supposed to like wine, but i just don't. i also seem to be allergic to beer. it's the hops maybe? either way, these two facts have left me no choice but to be a vodka whore. whiskey and bourbon and rum whore too? i admit it. i get around.

19. i am scared of bugs. all bugs. lady bugs. butterflies. moths. ants. beetles. they just have too many legs. and some of them fly! and they're small! which means it's only a matter of time before one flies right up my nose and gets lodged in my brain and i die. so think twice before you admire that little ladybug. she's a kamikaze killer. that bitch.

20. i paint my toenails religiously, but never my fingers. NEVER.

21. i am the world champion "encore" player. *dances around with fists pumping in the air* i am the greatest! i float like a butterfly, sting like a bee! eeeeew bugs. but hey, remember when will smith had relevance? yeah, me neither. but atleast he used to be kinda funny.


today's blog was sponsored by the letter J and the number 19.

sit booboo, sit.



5 Comments:

Blogger Quirkalot said...

You NEVER paint your fingernails?
I do remember, my lady, Senior Prom...the night of Red, White, and Blue...you.

Blogger Beeb said...

Two things. #1. You are not meant to like beer...those are for me. and #2. You may be the world champion of Encore but that's only because I'm the world champion of Snood.

Blogger VegasGustan said...

Hush, Hush. Keep it down now...

Good Dog! Not you, Booboo.

Blogger slcpink said...

You're funny... glad I came across your blog.

Blogger sunnee said...

ROFL very funny stuff!

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