August 22, 2005
food issues

i am allergic to eggs.

i am allergic to milk and all milk products. ice cream? nope. pizza? nuh-uh. the wonderful world of cheddar? closed to me. *sniff*

thus, food issues.

Boy is a pretty good sport about all this, only occasionally lamenting my lack of breakfast eating ability. i have always and forever been unable to eat eggs. and until very recently it was assumed that i had an unusually strong lactose intolerance. but no, that would be far too simple for an overachieving (self-hating) body like mine. i have to be allergic. and not just the itchy, scratch-my-own-hivey-face-off kind either. the whole kit-and-throat-closing-up-kaboodle.

example: the last time i had eggs was christmas eve 1997. i was at my then boyfriend's house for dinner. interesting aside, his mom is why i stand rigidly in the center of the stair on an escalator. because she caught flesh eating bacteria and nearly had to have her arm chopped off. anyway. she made some creamy pasta thingy that apparently had eggs in it, which i could kind of feel when i took the first bite. that whole burning sensation/struggle for oxygen thing should have been sufficient warning... but i didn't want to be rude... so i kept on eating. until i passed out in my own vomit and they called 911. have i mentioned that i make really excellent first impressions?

and doctors working the emergency room on christmas eve? not happy to be there. and getting coal in their stockings for being mean to the girl with the air tube in her throat from throwing up so damn much.

and of course i have eaten dairy products, once upon a lovely time, but now my allergy is just too strong and frankly it's not worth the risk. because this is not your basic "dairy makes the faeries come more often" kind of problem.

this is "me, writhing and clutching my chest in excruciating pain because ripping my own boobies off sounds like a good way to make it so i could actually breathe again." go ahead, send cheese. i'll show you.

these issues do, however, mean that i have become quite the adventurous cook. there are many options available for substitution, so it's just a matter of finding out which one is best suited for tricking Boy into thinking he's eating real food, instead of creepy vegan food.

here's where i give you the run down on things i have learned about the four major replacement hippie foods.
soy milk is good for drinking on occasion, but i don't like the aftertaste. it is definately not good on (insert heavenly beam of light) cheerios, so i pretty much hate it.

rice milk is good on cheerios. it is also cheap at trader joes*. love you, joe! i use rice milk in many many recipes, like mashed potatos and chicken pot pie. because i am not actually a vegan. i like the meat. (shut up, Boy. you're so gross.)

egg replacer is pretty excellent stuff, but it's kind of hit or miss. sometimes it works really well and makes yummie oatmeal raisiny things, other times you end up with lethal bricks of poison disguised as cookies. but either way, useful!

patchouli is not a food. but the hippies seem to like it anyway. maybe it's hallucinogenic? no? well then. not interested.

the whole point of this is that last night i experimented with flan. i tried making it with rice milk, which requires shaking because it seperates. so flan? turned out to be a soupy pile of semi-jellolike sugar water. and caramel topping. it looked like vomit. Boy had a mugfull (or two! he'll eat anything!) and then we poured it in the sink. lesson learned.

in other news, i am going to try to work the video camera again tonight because you totally need to see the new dress/shirt/shoes i bought this weekend. and the thing i might buy tomorrow.

which leads me to... ebay, of course. i am crazy addicted! and now i have cleaned out my closet, so be sure to check out my auctions! i'll let you know when i list things! blogger discount!

*dear joe: thanks for the cuties. you have made my life a better place to be. love, kendra.


Blogger Tel said...

God Bless Trader Joe and his yummy spicy hummus dip, whole wheat pita bread, cinnamon & sugar pita chips, boxes of luna bars, ethnic food, and Two-buck-chuck.

(I need to check out those tutti bars fo sho....I'm all about portion control these days...)

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

Kendra, I am sorry to hear that you can't eat cheese. That's the saddest news I've heard all day for sure.
I'm also interested in seeing these alleged sparkly shoes you speak of. I recently aquired a pair of Kenneth Cole shoes with rhinestones all over them, which I thought would be too obnoxious even for me, but it turns out I'm a rhinestone shoe wearin' kind of girl after all.

Blogger Beeb said...

the last time i was at trader joes you said queesh instead of keesh. i laughed way too hard about that... then that guy was barfing in his car headlights in front of friendly's. too weird. i still laugh to this day... and the high is gone.

Blogger Quirkalot said...

Strangely enough, i'm not allergic to milk, but I've had the "Cuties" at your house a few times and they are sooo much better than regular ice cream!

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

So you can't have cheese, huh? Or eggs? Or milk? Well, I guess I'll have to call the post office and tell them to send back the carrot cake with real cream cheese frosting that I made for you. It would have been somewhere over Arizona by now.

Blogger Jesster said...

As a good Wisconsin girl, I mourn your lack of cheese in your diet and will eat a grilled cheese in your honor.

I have a couple of very strict vegan friends who also love to cook (like they have any choice)--may be able to get some recipes for you!

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