August 16, 2005
the fat, part deux

that's right. faeries come in the dark of night, point their wands and magically turn it into bright new stars and wild flowers. yeah huh. as far as Boy knows, this statement is completely true. i would like to keep it that way. and that is why i get fat in relationships.

oh you want clarification? because that's a really general and strange statement? right.

certain foods (mostly healthy ones, like meat and vegetables) make me have to, you know... yes you do. think about it genius. but i can't. so i get stomach aches. because i cannot go when anyone is around, and because i have lost my ability to *ahem* "fart" after many many years of holding them in so dirty rotten boys wouldn't know that there are no faeries. and honey, you can clap all you want. it won't help.

when Boy and i first started dating (almost two years and ten pounds ago), we lived 75 miles apart. which meant i could eat what ever i wanted and not worry about who might hear the farts that escape while i'm sleeping. oh shut up. everyone does it. but now that we live together (and i work in a small office) i am only free during my commute and the morning dog walk. because hey, you really can blame it on the dog. so now i am hyperaware of this problem because a) christ on a cracker it hurts, and b) bloats my belly until my pants' button leaves scars, and c) i go to bed before he does, so who knows how many farts he's hearing that i can't protect him from?

which means i have to eat more bread-like goodies in a well-intentioned but poorly thought out effort to stave off the gut-wrenching pain of normal digestion. which makes me fat.

you want to see how i got there on that one, huh? ok.

1 + 1 = FAT. simple math, folks.

thus the Diet, reinstated to make sure all the wonderful and amazing clothes i have spent hugenormous amounts of money on will still fit. and that i will still be sexy. which means less fat and no farting. operation bring-back-the-faeries commences with the following pie chart. mmmm pie.

click for a bigger piece!

the things i do for love.

and pie.

***postscript: because you folks are relentless, i have reinstated anonymous comments. but don't think i won't be deleting anything that might even vaguely resemble spam. moocow, you have been warned.


Blogger Mike J. said...

Your blog is really nice! :)

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Blogger Sabrina said...

It is so, as much as I love being in a relationship, it sucks that you can't do the things your body wants to. Hilarious post, by the way. I loved the pie diagram/diet. My roommate and I once thought of a diet that consisted of eating only soup (not the noodles) and salad. That lasted a whole half a day...until dinner time.

Blogger karla said...

I sympathize with you on the 10 lbs issue. Losing weight (or trying to, anyway) blows. I'm trying to whittle the pregnancy weight off my booty. Hey, thanks for adding me to your links list, btw. I've added you to mine, too.

Blogger Beeb said...

so that's all it takes to get skinny? pie? I'm in.

I realized after visiting karla's site we have similar blog does that mean i copied her or did she copy me?

yeah, so that pie thing. I want some.

Blogger sillyewe said...

One word for you. Beeno. Check it out. The vegetarian's best friend. :0)

Blogger Pixiepurls said...

Omg just give it up and do it already! Me and my husband make a game of it. I don't do it in front of anyone else mind you, but he's so rude he will do it while my head is resting on his belly. EW!!!!!!!!!!!

So I know he doesn't care when I pop.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apple rings will TOTALLY give you gas.

Anonymous ck said...

So true and yet, the longer you are together, the less it will matter! Also I do find the enzymes actually work :)

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

everybody needs to bust ass around someone else from time to time. It reminds us that nobody is perfect.

And that our ass stinks.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know how you feel - it took, oh, um, YEARS for me to get over my, um, bathroom performance anxiety. I should mention that I've lived with Mr Moe for about six years. It was either cowboy up or explode. You know what a good icebreaker is? Get a really horrible flu and almost pass out in the bathroom from the resulting dehydration. In a small apartment. It opens up whole new lines of communication.

On a brighter note - very funny blog. I've added you to my stalking list.

ps. the farting thing? Still taboo after 7 yrs. We got a dog instead.

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Blogger Sarah Smile said...

You know that old Haley Mills movie, the Parent Trap? Or the remake with Lindsey Lohan, whichever you prefer, just so long as you are sensible enough to prefer Lindsey with red hair.
You know that scene when they're in the mess hall and they just keep looking over and staring at each other but not saying anything, because, frankly, how weird would it be to run into another version of yourself, unexpectedly, face to face, in a crowd?

I sorta feel a little like that, reading your blog.

*sticks out hand*

Hi. Lets be friends.
We can plan elaborate devious schemes together, or sing duets of old cheesy songs or give each other oddly shaped haircuts, like in the movie.

Blogger MooCow said...

Man, I get blamed for everything around here...

In other news, what has two thumbs and just "cropdusted" around the office?

*points thumbs at self* This guy!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr. XT and I have an understanding that such things will not be spoken of. EVER. I know for a fact that I have, uh, slipped, around him, and he still denies it for me. You have to love that in a guy.

Cropdusting? HILARIOUS!

Blogger Tel said...

I don't ever do such things in front of my boy, or any boy but M-Dubya. (because we're tight like that)

You want to know a trick? Poo right before taking a shower. Hold it if you have to. Then, go into the bathroom, turn the shower on full blast, and do what you need to do. By the time you soap yourself up with coconut shower gel, shampoo and condition your hair and perhaps let the gnomes shave your legs - viola!, there's no proof anything related to digestion has happened.

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