that's right. faeries come in the dark of night, point their wands and magically turn it into bright new stars and wild flowers. yeah huh. as far as Boy knows, this statement is completely true. i would like to keep it that way. and that is why i get fat in relationships.
oh you want clarification? because that's a really general and strange statement? right.
certain foods (mostly healthy ones, like meat and vegetables) make me have to, you know... yes you do. think about it genius. but i can't. so i get stomach aches. because i cannot go when anyone is around, and because i have lost my ability to *ahem* "fart" after many many years of holding them in so dirty rotten boys wouldn't know that there are no faeries. and honey, you can clap all you want. it won't help.
when Boy and i first started dating (almost two years and ten pounds ago), we lived 75 miles apart. which meant i could eat what ever i wanted and not worry about who might hear the farts that escape while i'm sleeping. oh shut up. everyone does it. but now that we live together (and i work in a small office) i am only free during my commute and the morning dog walk. because hey, you really can blame it on the dog. so now i am hyperaware of this problem because a) christ on a cracker it hurts, and b) bloats my belly until my pants' button leaves scars, and c) i go to bed before he does, so who knows how many farts he's hearing that i can't protect him from?
which means i have to eat more bread-like goodies in a well-intentioned but poorly thought out effort to stave off the gut-wrenching pain of normal digestion. which makes me fat.
you want to see how i got there on that one, huh? ok.
1 + 1 = FAT. simple math, folks.
thus the Diet, reinstated to make sure all the wonderful and amazing clothes i have spent hugenormous amounts of money on will still fit. and that i will still be sexy. which means less fat and no farting. operation bring-back-the-faeries commences with the following pie chart. mmmm pie.
the things i do for love.
***postscript: because you folks are relentless, i have reinstated anonymous comments. but don't think i won't be deleting anything that might even vaguely resemble spam. moocow, you have been warned.