August 29, 2005
the envelope please

join me in welcoming our stunning hosts for this afternoon's awards ceremony. you may remember her from such inspirational films as peeing your pants for beginners, and posing drunkenly with artificial dromedaries (parts one and two), but you will certainly recognize him from his seminal work on the albums sgt mooper's lonely hearts club band, moovolver, and moo!

*hosts enter stage right*

i receieved many suggestions for the cowie chair, and each had its own charm. honorable mentions for all submissions, but some favorites included "spot," courtesy of laurie, "murphy," from my superhero twin beebidoux, and "ferdinand," from jen.

but the winner(s). yes, there are more than one.

our second runner up lovingly presented the ultra swanky sobriquet (yay big words) "barf." short for barfolemew, of course. and the brilliant mind in question? that would have to be chantel. she used the fact that i like to talk about puke to her advantage. tricksie hobbitses. for her efforts she gets mad cow! because my prizes stuck to the theme!

and our first runner up, who will perform the duties of the winner in the case of debilitating bikini wax (more on that to come) or spontaneous combustion, is anonymous coworker! for the incredibly fun to say "frumpkin!"

for his cranial hemmorhage creative offering, anonymous coworker gets "moo" swag (like mo'... like more? um, like a homie cow? with bling? sorry. it was funny in my head.) anyway, it's a prize pack consisting of

meat-centric objects!

what prize pack would be complete without a poopycow!

and pirates of course!

as for the new miss naming america? well, she warned me that she was good at this, so it shouldn't come as too big a surprise. valancy jane come on down! for your incredibly appropriate appellation "the reverend lee," you are hereby awarded ten more cows!

did i mention they need names?

now i realize that seems like a lot of winners, but clearly you're not seeing the big picture. because if you were, you would know that this:

is me and his cowiness, the reverend barfolemew frumpkin lee. of the church of la luz de jesus. which is where i procured these most excellent prizes that i will send to the lucky winners as soon as they email me an address. so do that.

and there will be more contests, for those of you who would like me to send you some tchotchkes. and who doesn't like tchotchkes?

**let us give many thanks for Boy, who graciously and patiently shot me lolling around suggestively on the Reverend Lee with his digital video camera so that i could isolate frames to share with you. interestingly, just after the camera was turned off (or not) i had a "wardrobe malfunction." or three. and so he got paid for his time.


Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...


The martini really ties everything together.

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

*squeezes in between seats, hugs co-stars and then the camera pans away from me because no one can climb up stairs in an evening gown gracefully, to the losers doing 'she deserved to win' look, then the camera pans back to me as I reach the clear glass podium (so everyone can still see my roped-up-to-my-neck cleavage and does the obligatory gloved hand over heart gesture and prepares to gush*

"I'd like to thank all the voices in my own head, really, you guys have always been there for me. I'd like to thank my third grade teacher, Miss What's-Her-Name, for really inspiring me to name things. And most of all, *waves gloved hand toward the orchestra* oh PLEASE don't start the music yet, most of all I'd like to thank all the inanimate objects on my desk, Bettina, Boris, Svenny, Joey, Lucy, Kiki, 'Mookie, Elton, Brenda, and Lipper for making my world such a friendlier place.

Blogger Tel said...

*jumping up and down and shrieking*

I won! I won!

I'd like to thank Mel Brooks for the movie Spaceballs, and John Candy for making Barf(olomew) such a personable character.

I love mad cows!!!

Blogger ChrisWoznitza said...

Hi I´m Chris. Great page !!! Greatings from Germany Bottrop !!

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

I shall elect to call him Engelbert thank you very much...although I'm not quite sure Mr.H would know what to do with a hottie pants in a tiny dress sitting on him. Crap. I HATE LOSING!

Blogger Beeb said...

yeah. what she said.

oh and what i said.

"you hot thang!"

i need a cow chair.

Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Incidently, I love the picture of you in the chair. The Reverand looks very happy with you, and you with him.

Blogger JenL said...

I love tchotchkes. Clearly, I will have to try harder for the next contest, because you pick truly fabulous prizes.

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