August 31, 2005
bite me

today's agenda consists of two things. two "gentlemen," actually. so join me in outing them, loudly and publicly, because they are evil and stupid (in the case of one) and needlessly critical (in the case of the other.) and that hurts my feelings.

especially the stupid part. i can't bear to watch.

meet myles berman. he has a child molester moustache. here are his helpful tips for not getting arrested for dui. and here is his list of places to avoid while driving drunk. his ad on the radio made me want to peel his skin off and reattach it with homemade glue.

since i can't put his ad on my blog, the following is some text from his website. with my completely non-judgmental comments in ALL CAPS. because i mean these non-judgmental comments MOST EMPHATICALLY.
Being arrested for "Driving Under the Influence" doesn't have to be a devastating experience. (BUT THE SUBSEQUENT INCARCERATED ANAL RAPES DO!) Even though a suspension or revocation of your driver's license and being convicted of a DUI can lead to loss of employment, increase or cancellation of auto insurance, jail and loss of reputation, (NOT TO MENTION THE DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY AND OH, PESKY DEATHS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE) many DUI cases in California can be successfully defended by an experienced attorney!

We are experienced and aggressive criminal defense attorneys. We concentrate on representing people accused of drunk driving. We have over 70 years combined experience successfully representing doctors, lawyers, professional athletes, business people and others accused of drunk driving. (BECAUSE RICH PEOPLE ARE STUPID TOO!) We have been very successful in obtaining acquittals, dismissals and reductions of dwi / dui charges and having DMV suspensions and/or revocations set aside. There IS an alternative to pleading guilty. (BUT NOT FOR THE PEOPLE YOU HIT, DUMBASS. THEY JUST GET TO DIE.)

Some of our recent successes include our client who was arrested for driving while under the influence and blew .28. Another client was arrested for his 3rd DUI and blew a .16. (I BET YOUR MOMMMY IS SO PROUD.) Another client was arrested for drunk drivng after an accident and blew a .16. Another client was arrested for DUI after an accident with injuries and measured a .11 blood. Another client was arrested for his 2nd DUI and blew a .10. Still another client was arrested for her 2nd DUI and blew a .12. Five of these six clients had their license suspension/revocation set aside by the Department of Motor Vehicles.

While the success of each case depends upon the individual facts and circumstances, there may be some common issues that can lead to a successful result, i.e., illegal detention, "Miranda rights" violations, absorptive rate, implied consent violations and/or reasonable doubt. (SO GO RIGHT AHEAD AND KILL SOME PEOPLE. WE'LL GET YOU OFF ON A TECHNICALITY!)

thanks. i feel better. but just in case you don't, feel free to call him and tell him so. 1-888-4-topgun.

topgun. what the #$%&#? i wonder how tom cruise feels about that? what am i thinking? he can just cure the dead people with some scientology and vitamins.

and now the second person. he-who-shall-not-be-named, because though i do know his name, his comments in regards to my blog were not made out of spite or anger or even hate.

he just thinks i'm crazy.

which of course i am.

but he meant that maybe Miyagi would be freaked out by my (quote) "stalkery" enthusiasm.

which of course he could be.

but clearly i am just getting a little heavy-handed with the hyperbole (alliteration! woot!). anyone who knows me knows that i am in love with exaggeration. we have little melodramatic bastard babies. i'm pretty sure Miyagi has caught on though, so that if he were to read yesterday's post (which he will, because i'll make him), he would just laugh at my crazy, eat some more cookies and commence with the sharp pokie needles.

p.s. 1-888-4-topgun.


Blogger Beeb said...

It says toll free in CA... i thought all 888 numbers were toll free?! i must be missing something.

i know i must be missing something when it reads in the client letter section:


This is coming to you later than it should and for that I am sorry. My wife and I want to express our thanks to you and your team for bringing to a successful conclusion our daughter, Lindsey's, DUI.

While we never expected to be in a situation like this, the outcome was as good as could be expected. Thank you for your efforts in our behalf.


P.S. Wade Skalsky did a terrific job of representing Lindsey and making my wife comfortable with the proceedings.

Oh, good. This is just what we need. Parents getting their kids off everything so they don't learn and kill someone (remind me to tell you a story about this- it does happen).

And I'd like to know how he made his wife comfortable. bastard.

Blogger Auntie Sassy said...

Myles is the kind of lawyer that gives all lawyers a bad name. I bet he makes his lovers call him Maverick. This his jingle. Feel free to add on if you can figure out how to fit his name into the danger zone line. I got "Myles will touch your Danger Zone", but I gave up after that.

Revvin' up your engine
Listen to her howlin' roar
Drink another 6 pack
Oops your car just hit a whore!

Blogger dr.M said...

I wonder if he plays Kenny Loggins "Danger Zone" in his corvette on the way to Court.

I wonder if, to ease his conscience, he does pro-bono work for drunk drivers that would normally never be able to afford his fees! Yay! Poor people with no car insurance can drive drunk too!

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