1. what the hell is wrong with the people in my neighborhood?
answer: well, for starters, they can't park. and i mean at all. within reasonable distance of the surrounding cars AND the curb? not gonna happen. it wouldn't leave any room for the little boy on the squeaky tricycle to ride up and down the street ringing his bells. and the loud chatting and cigar smoke outside my open window at night? really good for helping me sleep. no, no don't worry. my lungs can sleep when they're dead. also, if at all possible, could we hold off on burning couches on the lawn until the day before pickup? just so that i don't have to worry about my itchy dog scratching himself on charred sofa carcasses? oh, and apparently, i am some sort of mutant who may kill neighbors if they smile at me as i walk by. as i do every morning and night. even if i smile first. because clearly this is a trap.
2. why is the little girl with the big teeth so cute?
answer: because i am hormonal this week and want the babies (this week. deep breaths, Boy). and also because she has hordes of freckles on her big round cheeks and looks kind of like margaret or a precious moments doll. but without the weird wholesome and mildly jesusy aftertaste. (there is a precious moments theme park. intervention!)
3. why doesn't anyone comment on this blog?
answer: multiple choice.
A) they are trapped under furniture and desperately trying to comment (or get rescued, whichever), but are sadly unable.
B) they think someone else will. that's what they thought about stopping hitler*, people, and look how that turned out. comment now to stop nazis!
C) they hate me and my wildly inappropriate humor.
D) nobody reads this crap.
*please don't comment to tell me this was inappropriate, because i totally know. option C, remember? and i'm jewish, which may in fact make it even worse. inappropriate is my bread and butter. but please do comment for other reasons, like making friends and sharing patterns and recipes. mmm... patterns and recipes. thank you.