anyway, this is coming up because recently, i have completely and totally lost my mind. any comment regarding weight makes me want to cry, even if it's not directed at me. which it usually isn't. because there is really nothing wrong with how i look now. in my brain, i know this. but here's the problem:
brain: self, you look pretty good. love those freckles on your lip. couldn't be cuter.
rest of me: you are a sea monster. a mythical ugly-beast. a horrible spotted moocow. (no offense to moocows everywhere, especially the moocow. really.) you are so fat that you make fat feel bad.
brain: no way! the average size for an american woman is 14. so you're doing so well! you are way under. self = smokin! *touches finger to wrinkly brain skin and makes sizzle sound*
rest of me: first of all that was lame. and second-- absolutely not, brain. i realize you are "smart" and have control issues, but seriously. i should weigh 120 pounds and not jiggle except for my enormous boobies. which should make up 10% of my total body weight.
brain: you look like a woman! you have curves! you have better things to do than go to the gym and run around in a circle. besides, food is good.
rest of me: *fingers in ears* lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala i don't hear you...
and lately the rest of me has been in control of the mouth and the tear ducts, leading to wet cheeks and abusive comments about self that make Boy worry. sorry, Boy. i have gone bonkers. brain knows what she's talking about, but i just won't listen.
as i said, some of this feels like it's due to living in hollywood. and it can't help that the only way i have to vent these feelings is by masquerading my issues around as a funny post. i have guilt over that. i hope you don't feel used. i left a couple hundreds on the nightstand.