July 20, 2005
the fat, part I

i used to be a little bit heavy. i weighed, oh, 200 pounds. no lie. granted, i am 5'10", but that's still squishy. about two years ago i lost 50 pounds and felt great. since then, i have gained back about ten and feel horrible. so, may i present my virtual model. this is allegedly what i look like, in a magical bikini that hoists my boobs high as an elephant's eye without leaving a bloody wound in the back of my neck. string bikinis are no friend of natural breasts. upon discovering this virtual model website, which for some reason won't really work on safari (steve jobs! help us!) i built about 736 versions of myself. one of which is what i used to look like, and one is what i'd like to. the "like to" is only fifteen pounds lighter. fifteen never seemed like such a huge number.

anyway, this is coming up because recently, i have completely and totally lost my mind. any comment regarding weight makes me want to cry, even if it's not directed at me. which it usually isn't. because there is really nothing wrong with how i look now. in my brain, i know this. but here's the problem:
brain: self, you look pretty good. love those freckles on your lip. couldn't be cuter.

rest of me: you are a sea monster. a mythical ugly-beast. a horrible spotted moocow. (no offense to moocows everywhere, especially the moocow. really.) you are so fat that you make fat feel bad.

brain: no way! the average size for an american woman is 14. so you're doing so well! you are way under. self = smokin! *touches finger to wrinkly brain skin and makes sizzle sound*

rest of me: first of all that was lame. and second-- absolutely not, brain. i realize you are "smart" and have control issues, but seriously. i should weigh 120 pounds and not jiggle except for my enormous boobies. which should make up 10% of my total body weight.

brain: you look like a woman! you have curves! you have better things to do than go to the gym and run around in a circle. besides, food is good.

rest of me: *fingers in ears* lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala i don't hear you...

and lately the rest of me has been in control of the mouth and the tear ducts, leading to wet cheeks and abusive comments about self that make Boy worry. sorry, Boy. i have gone bonkers. brain knows what she's talking about, but i just won't listen.

as i said, some of this feels like it's due to living in hollywood. and it can't help that the only way i have to vent these feelings is by masquerading my issues around as a funny post. i have guilt over that. i hope you don't feel used. i left a couple hundreds on the nightstand.


Anonymous Sherriann said...

Ok, you are BEYOND rediculous, and if I wasn't not quite 5' 3", I would kick your ass and knock some sense into you! I read your blog everyday (which you know because you make me) and I never comment, but this, this calls for extreme measures! I am giving you a SERIOUS talking to when you get back from lunch! And I want all your blog stalkers (commenting and noncommenting alike) to know the truth! Kendra should listen to brain and stop being rediculous! She wears super cute outfits that fit her PERFECTLY(as visible in multiple links in this here blog) and as brain pointed out, she looks like a WOMAN, not a lollipop head.

I may just have to let the inner hulk out or verbally assault you to knock some sense into that rest of you that just won't listen because if you weighed 120 and your boobs were 10% of your body weight a)you would be annorexic and in the hospital, b)you would be the biggest lollipop head that ever lived, and c) I would throw up all over you becasue it would make me sick. You by no means look fat, and you don't look like you weigh 160, and. . . I have way more to say but this is too long already. So, I will just tell you the rest in person. Then, I will charge you for the ego stroking as I didn't see any $ on the nightstand! (I want to know who took it! ;) )

Blogger Beeb said...

don't forget d) you'd fall over and as for the rest. ditto. just consider yourself lucky i'm not on the same side of the country as you! (but i know how you feel)

Blogger MooCow said...

No offense taken. If you would have said "slime covered moocow," we'd totally be fighting now though.

It's easy for me as a dude to say "OMG, that's crazy talk, you're totally hott, and possibly haut and hawt as well" but having dated a girl who battled an eating disorder yet still saw herself as a Fatty McHugerson, I've come to understand the power of self image.

And really...if you can't vent on your blog, where can you vent?

Well, now that I've been so helpful here, I'm off to my volunteer shift at the suicide hotline where I typically tell people "OMG, I'd so kill myself if my wife left me."

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